A List

[calliopes_pen]

After reading both Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts, and Things Xander Is No Longer Allowed To Do, seandc and I went nuts and created our own list. This one is for Dick Grayson. Feel free to submit your own ideas for this list, to make it even longer.



Things Dick Grayson Is Not Allowed To Do

1) scans_daily commentators *will* see subtext in everything I do. I must accept this.
1a) And everyone wants me to date Roy. No--just no.
1b) And people want me to date Gar. No, just no.
1c) And Kory. Look out for the bolts of energy!
1d) Sorry I left you out, Babs. We are still getting married, right?

2) Checking 1d, I am deeply in debt to Cass for getting me away when she did.

3) Always remember--a wheelchair can be a lethal weapon. You never expect it.
3a) Yes, I know Babs never expects the Spanish Inquisition, either.
3b) Tim, you are not a Knight of Ni!
3c) *screams as Tim tackles Dick to the ground*
3d) Poison Ivy will not lend me a shrubbery.

4) Never pretend to be the Joker. It will only end in pain.
4a) Don't pretend to have switched bodies with the Riddler. You will be beaten up by Bruce.
4b) Just don't fake a body switch at all. It will eventually happen, and nobody will believe you.

5) When a Robin dies, don't confront Bruce about it.
5a) Within the next few years, someone will bring him/her back from the dead all on their own.
5b) Cass Tim will speed this up once we can find one of the time-punching Kal-Els...

6) Tim Drake is not allowed to date outside the Batclan.
6a) Why? Because Cass will hurt him.
6b) No, Tim, you can't date Kon.
6c) Or Impulse. Don't explain things to me!
6d) Sorry, Bruce. I tried. Why are you reaching for a Batarang?!

7) I must not make disparaging comments of any kind about married when former fiancees are in earshot.
7b) Especially if they can throw energy bolts.
7c) Or run me over.
7d) How many girls does that leave then? Shut up, bro.

8) Crowbars shall not be joked about or played with, whilst in the Batcave...
8a) Especially when Red Hood is around.
8b) Especially when Batman is brooding in front of the Memorial.
8c) And especially when Alfred is having one of his tea sessions with the ghost of Jason--which shouldn't be happening, since Jason is now alive...
8d) No mind-bending timewarping thinking at all.

9) Never bring up Hal Jordan while talking to Bruce.
9a) Don't even mention Green Lanterns.
9b) Or the evil yellow fear bug.
9c) Or ask Alfred what he means when he says there were flying and glowing green bats on a night Hal dropped by. Bruce was a GL? ARGH!

10) Never take your dates to the circus. Nothing good can come of this, and it just might start a brooding session.
10a) Unless you happen to be Tim.
10b) Why is Tim still following me? Drop the camera!
10c) I don't care if Oracle is paying you, drop it!
10d) Because Batman taught me how to tell, that's why.
10e) Good. Be scared. I’m not scared! Stop it.

11) No implying to others that my training was any more complete thanks to being trained by Batman.
11a) Must carry umbrella around Wally at least for appearances sake.
11b) Need a bigger utility belt, just to fit the umbrella inside.
11c) Can't allow anyone to know when I need a bathroom break--Bruce would hurt me for breaking the image of the Batclan.
11d) Will not take his advice and remove my bladder.
11e) Not even for "The Mission."

12) Must not refer to anything apart from the man, car and cave as "Bat-anything"

13) "The Mission" is not more important than my life.
13a) Unless I get more than one life out of all this. Like Jason.
13b) Step away from the crowbar, Jason.
13c) Must not mention resurrections to Jason.
13d) Or Donna.
13e) Or... oh, who *hasn't* been brought back from the dead around here?!
13f) Must not upset deadBeetle or deadMax, as they were not resurrected yet.

14) Avoid all poppy fields.
14a) Avoid giving anyone roses.
14b) Avoid anything that might contain pollen.
14c) Make a note to explain the possibility of sex pollen to Bruce.
14d) Having done so, make a run for it. And pray that the pollen hasn’t kicked in before I’ve made it out of the cave.
14e) I can't escape scans_daily.

15) Don't read fanfic about myself.
15a) Don’t allow Babs to read it.
15b) Yes, she gets ideas. For the love of--HELP!!!!
15c) You're mine, Shortpants!
15d) No, Tim, you can't watch! Go play with Cass.
15e) Cass is allowed encouraged to read Babs' fanfic archive.
15f) No grinning evilly when suggesting new reading materials.
15g) Must ignore Bruce and Alfred doubled over laughing as I'm wheeled away *sigh*.

16) No pouting if Bruce lectures you.
16a) It will only make the lecture even longer.
16b) I am not allowed to pretend to be a bat and cling to the stalactites during the speech. It will only get me sent to Leslie for a psychological evaluation.

17) Just because my car *looks* like a bomb, doesn't mean I can miss a tune-up.

18) I am not allowed to play with magic.
18a) Even if I ask for Zatanna to get involved.
18b) Especially if Zatanna is involved.
18c) I am not to even say her name. Should remember that, since I don't need to hear a scream of rage.

19) Not allowed to give pseudonyms from movies.
19a) Nor am I allowed to give battle cries from the movies.
19b) Not even if I match the name to the cry.
19c) Or if I'm avenging either of my parents.
19d) Ditto all the above for television.

20) Not allowed to avenge parents, because Bruce will feel left out, and that just leads to more brooding.

21) Not allowed to have a dog.
21a) Bruce knows I'll just give it a mask and make it a crimefighter.
21b) Can't have a dog, even if I name it after him.
21c) Not even if it'll "be a playmate for Krypto".

22) Not allowed to ask Bruce and Tim to form a group called The Avengers and try to avenge our parents.
22a) I am not Captain America.
22b) Nor am I Emma Peel, or John Steed.
22c) Not allowed to wear catsuit ever.

23) Not allowed to jump out and yell "surprise" at former Commissioner Gordon.
23a) Ow, my arm!
23b) Mental note: An ex-cop is trigger happy when scared.

24) Not allowed to play musical identities with costumed heroes.
24a) No Crisis has made me the reincarnation of any rock star, and I must stop saying so.

25) Never break into Arkham.
25a) Not even if Bruce is there.
25b) Not even if Bruce is there, and it's all a game.
25c) Not even if he invites me as a visitor.
25d) Arkham actually has a cell with my name written on it.
25e) Just don't go anywhere near Arkham--EVER!

26) Never ask Tim if he wants me to adopt him.
26a) Don't ask why he gets a strange look before hitting me, after I do so.
26b) Do not ask Bruce why that happened.
26c) Ignore the amused look he gives me if I do ask, and quickly leave town.

27) Carry a wooden stake at all times. After everyone's died so often, one of those that comes back is bound to be a vampire.
27a) After staking Green Arrow, apologize profusely.
27b) Consider the arrow in the rear proper payback.
27c) Don't tell Babs why I suddenly have a strange limp, in the aftermath of the arrow in the rear.
27d) After getting my foot rolled over, don't run and cry when she laughs. Pretend to be amused.
27e) Don't ask her to nurse me back to health afterwards either.

28) Make sure old lady mugging victims know I'm saving them.
28a) Make sure they can see me.
28b) If they happen to beat me over the head with their purse, run away quickly.
28c) Don't tell Bruce.
28d) Definitely don't tell Tim.
28e) ESPECIALLY don't tell Babs.
28f) Sit back and just ignore the taunts.
28g) Unless from Wally, in which case ask him about visiting John Stewart's quarters.

29) Don’t get married outside.
29a) If I break this rule, make sure the priest is Immortal.
29b) Don't invite Raven.
29c) Don’t invite Superboy.
29d) Don't invite anyone. We'll elope. It's safer for everyone involved.
29e) Don't come back for at least 2 months afterwards, to avoid questions of why everyone wasn't invited.
29f) Buy something nice to apologise to Alfred.

30) No new red costumes ever again.

31) Don't become a bad guy.
31a) If I ignore aforementioned rule, call Bruce. He'll slap sense into me.

32) Don't run into a city after chemical warfare has annihilated it.
32a) If I do, and get radiation burn, don't run to Bruce.

33) Tell Babs about Tarantula.
33a) Make a note to visit her in prison after she kills Tarantula.

34) Look to see if there's actually a floor when getting out of bed.

35) Before showering, make sure a friend of Babs' isn't hanging around.

36) If someone opens the shower door in this case, remember to cover my face.
36a) Don’t just listen to screams in confusion.
36b) Do remember to cover the rest of myself with a towel as quickly as possible.
36c) Ignore Babs' smirking after the fact.